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Hi, Rhoda.
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Hi, Jay. How are things?
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Yeah, good. Thank you.
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Busy week, but looking forward
to having a conversation now.
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So we're going to have about 10 minutes
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to talk a little more in depth
about just one case.
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And I know it's a case
of being extremely hard on,
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but a chance to really reflect on
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everything you've learned, your insights
and where the family are now.
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Yeah.
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So do you want to start by
just saying if there's a sense
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of an outcome for this family
and describe the family to me?
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Yeah.
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Gosh, it's one
that's really progressed
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very well and very,
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not very quickly,
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but, you know, they’ve gone
in the right direction. So the referral
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originally came in because of concerns
about Mom's alcohol use,
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and when she was drinking, drinking
just to oblivion really, and self-harming,
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and she lives alone with her son
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who's eight years old,
and just real concerns
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that he’s seeing his mum in these states
of distress, seeing her self-harming and
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just desperately sad,
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just to see them in this
in this situation.
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So the referral came in
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when we were at that stage.
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I think Mum was really saying
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she wanted help, but didn’t know how to ask for it.
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Feeling quite isolated as a single mother
and didn't really feel at the time
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that she could ask
for help from her own mum because
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there have been a few incidents
over the years where
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children's services have had to step in
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and where she's ended up
caring for him for a short,
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the grandmother now, has ended up
caring for him for periods of time.
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Gran has resented that a little thinking
that these unplanned things,
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I think she's scared, really,
that she's going to have to do it
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for the long term.
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So it it's just create some tensions
between mother and daughter
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in that situation.
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So she's being a safety net,
but it's made her feel quite cross
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with her daughter about that.
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Yeah.
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So, and then resentful towards each other
which has been difficult for them all.
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But, I mean what we have seen
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is that she's stepped in and that there's
a lot of love there. She wants her to do well,
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and it's almost like we need you
to stand on your own two feet now.
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So you've noticed the love in the family,
love between mum and daughter,
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but a difficult situation has arisen over
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Gran being the protector kind of thing.
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And it's difficult for them
to see sometimes, in that relationship,
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that love is there. Sometimes comes across as
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anger and frustration, I think.
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So how would you describe
the strengths in the family?
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Well, Mum's engaged really well,
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so she wants a different type
of relationship
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with her own family, with her son
and with herself, I think.
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She's got two older children
who don't live with her.
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One's in university
and one is older again,
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and he works away now.
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So, she's done some really good stuff.
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Successfully raised two children.
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who are doing well.
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She doesn’t see as much of them as
she'd like to do, but she's got an idea now
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that she would like to be a bit closer
to both of them as well.
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So she knows how to parent.
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She's she's brought those children up well.
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She was working in a local shop,
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and she was doing that,
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she was working
three evenings a week.
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But that stopped then when her drinking
became really problematic and then
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she wasn't able to work for a while.
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She’s gone back to that now,
which is good.
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Her employers have allowed her to go back.
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What was she saying about where the
alcohol fitted in for her?
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I think the main thing for her
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was that she felt lonely.
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Although she enjoys being a mum, I think
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she was feeling that she didn't
have the space and the freedom to go out and,
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you know, as a single mother now,
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I think she wanted to go out
and meet people and to have friends,
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and I think that she felt herself
being quite isolated.
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And so when she felt isolated,
she turned to drinking
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more than she should do in her own words.
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So she’s described that she
has insight into the fact
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that she was feeling trapped.
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Desperately sad and worried.
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There’s shame in there for her
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because her mum had to constantly rescue her little boy.
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So all of that,
the alcohol was helping with.
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It sounds like she's come through some of
that into thinking there is another way.
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Yeah, definitely.
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I think...
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I don’t know if wake up calls always work,
I don't know how that goes, but for her
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it did feel like that.
So there was an incident where she,
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we did a safety plan
quite early into the work and
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she phoned me when she was drunk.
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That was the point at which those things,
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from what the family told me, deteriorated
quite rapidly in that situation.
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But we were able
to work with Gran for him to go,
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for the son to go
and stay with Gran for a few nights
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while we reassessed the situation.
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It was a real opportunity then
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for us to spend some time together
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considering is this
is this really the future that she wants?
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How would she like it to be different?
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So you had some real deep and
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meaningful conversations at that time,
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even when there was just the two of you
having that.
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Yeah.
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It created a space
that I don't think we would have had
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because to be honest with you,
those first few times I went to see her,
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I was a bit taken aback
because the house was immaculate.
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So I was thinking there's a disconnect
here between how
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the original referral came in saying
she's heavily drinking.
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There didn't seem any sign of that.
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And how was she with her boy?
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What did you notice about them?
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Just lovely.
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I mean, I think...
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there was obviously an element of her
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trying to protect him
from overhearing the conversations.
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So there were times when
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she would want him
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to go and spend some time in his room
on his computer to give us a conversation.
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But when he came down,
she got lots of books.
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She likes to read with him.
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She even volunteers at the school to help
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with one of the afterschool clubs.
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So she's, you know, she's invested
and she's an active, engaged parent...
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who needs some space and has found it
through drinking in the past.
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Yeah.
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So thinking about all of those strengths,
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what should
the family say is the priority risk?
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What are they trying to avoid happening?
Including the little boy.
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What are they trying to avoid?
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Trying to avoid Mum's
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mental health deteriorating,
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or her sense of self deterioration
to a point where she drinks to oblivion.
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And so
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they're just very certain that they,
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they don't want to see that.
She’s certain that she just want to see that.
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But she's also certain equally that she wants
to be able to have a life as well.
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And I think this has been
where that tension has existed.
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Can she...
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can she give herself permission?
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Can the family give her permission
to be able to say for a night out,
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can she have a night out where he goes
and stays with his Gran?
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And then she can go out with friends, or date,
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or whatever it is she wants to do, knowing
that she can go, knowing that he's safe
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and then come the next day and continue
with her parenting as she she wants to do.
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And I think that's been
the biggest shift, has been working towards
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that conversation for each other
to give each other permission to do that.
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Sounds like what you were focusing on
was empathy in the family,
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to understand all of those things
from the same perspective.
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Does that feel like that's calmed the situation
down and allowed them to plan together?
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I think so.
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I think we spent quite a bit of time
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doing some of the card
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exercises and as a family
just trying to come together.
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Grandad was obviously involved
in those conversations as well.
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But he's a bit...
he's the designated driver
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and will do the practical things,
which is absolutely fantastic.
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That really helps.
And then the emotions in there,
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very much coming from mother and daughter...
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mother and the grandmother for the boy.
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Coming together and just finding a way through that.
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But those conversations
and hearing each other
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appreciating each other's frustration,
I think has been a real big one.
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And, you know,
you can feel the work in that
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that you've done bringing that family
together who potentially
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there were lots of adversarial feelings.
But you brought them together,
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you've helped them think about their shared outcome and how they're going to manage
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the situation going forward
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to allow predictability and love
for that little boy to be the main focus.
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Yeah, I think so.
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And I think the thing
that helped, surprisingly,
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was the lapse of the drinking that she had.
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That was a trigger for everything.
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Because everyone had a predestined idea,
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or predetermined idea,
of where that would go, which be
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a longer separation
and longer time of responsibility.
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And it didn’t shift.
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That was a major shift.
You’ve come a long way with them all.
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What still needs to happen
do you think? They've come a long way.
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They've come a long way.
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I think it's confidence now
moving forward.
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Confidence that she can maintain her job,
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confidence that...
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confidence that she can ask for help when she needs.
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I think that's the biggest thing.
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Not just
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after having a drink, but before.
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Recognising when there are times
when just negotiating with the family
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what safe enough feels like and
looks like to everybody, not just to mum.
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That shows such courage for her,
but also for her mum
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because she's got to engage
in that conversation and try and keep
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her heart open to it and see it as part of
keeping things stable for the little boy.
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Yeah, definitely.
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It's been
a really difficult journey for her because
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that's her baby, isn't it?
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And, you know, so she's worried
about her daughter for a long time.
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She's wanted her to do alright.
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And so immediately if something happens
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she'll go into a panic mode
of some description.
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So to begin to breathe and trust.
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We’re not there yet. It's not 100 per cent,
it’s nowhere near.
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Yeah, but that's the phase, it's
where we're building that confidence.
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And how would you describe when you are
at the point that they've achieved that?
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What would that look like?
What would they all be doing and feeling?
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I think that it will come to a point where it
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so naturally flows in communication
between them.
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I think at the moment there's
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still a bit of clunkiness
in those conversations.
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“Is it okay?”
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You know, I think
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checking in with each other.
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So I think when we get to that place
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where we all feel confident, I think
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they would just more naturally go
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in and out of each other's houses,
in more in a more natural way.
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What would you see in that little boy
when you get to that outcome?
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What would he look like and
how would he be behaving and feeling?
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I think he's just not going to
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feel like he needs to keep secrets.
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I think there's a potential there
where he's
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probably felt loyalty to his mum
and wants her to be okay.
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So, I think it's that confidence
that he can say to Gran whatever he wants,
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and he can say to Mum whatever he wants,
and we just see in that
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watchfulness that we've seen in him disappear
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so that he can just
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crack on with being a child again,
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being an eight year old, yeah.
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That's lovely.
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Thank you, Jay, for bringing that
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case and bringing that family to life.
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There's work to be done, but it's in...
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it's in a really good place.
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You know so much about the family
you've worked through as they have some
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really tricky moments.
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Thank you, Rhoda.